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How to find self-control

From Appetite to Freedom: How to Find Self-Control in Everyday Life

Written by Kay Stonecypher on . Posted in Sermon Highlights. No Comments on From Appetite to Freedom: How to Find Self-Control in Everyday Life

This week’s teaching explored how to find self-control when our appetites start to run our lives—whether it’s substances, food, sex, shopping, screens, or the need to be right. We were invited to rediscover fasting as an ancient, practical, Jesus-shaped way to strengthen our ability to say no to destructive cravings and yes to God’s life-giving freedom.

This Week’s Sermon: Finding Self-Control

Key Takeaways

  • how to find self-control starts by naming the appetites that are trying to take the driver’s seat in your life.
  • Self-control is like a muscle, and fasting is a consistent workout that strengthens it over time.
  • Fasting helps reorder our desires so that our hunger for God becomes the deepest hunger again.
  • In Scripture, fasting creates space to seek God, repent honestly, and surrender control to the Spirit.
  • Lent is an ideal season to start small, practice with grace, and let God form real freedom in you.

Sermon Highlights: How to Find Self-Control

Most of us don’t decide to lose control. It happens gradually: a habit that starts as a comfort, a craving that becomes a pattern, a “just this once” that slowly becomes the default. One day you’re choosing something. The next day it feels like it’s choosing you.

That tension is exactly where this week’s teaching met us: how to find self-control when you suspect something inside you is sometimes more in charge than you are. For some, that struggle is obvious and costly. For others, it’s subtle and socially acceptable. But the question is the same for all of us: do you want to be free?

Big Idea of This Week’s Teaching

How to find self-control is not mainly about stronger willpower. It’s about training your desires with God, so that your appetite for God becomes the deepest desire again—and your other appetites take their proper place.

Key Scriptures

  • Proverbs 25:28 — A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls. This image framed self-control as protection and stability, not restriction.
  • Matthew 4:1–2 — Jesus prepared for temptation by fasting forty days and forty nights. Fasting was presented as training that strengthens the self-control muscle.
  • 2 Chronicles 20:3 — Jehoshaphat proclaimed a fast to seek God when fear and pressure were overwhelming. Fasting was shown as a way to quiet noise and listen.
  • Jonah 3:5–8 — Nineveh fasted as part of repentance and turning from violence. Fasting was connected to sincere change, not performative guilt.
  • Galatians 5:22–25 — Self-control is fruit of the Spirit, not a product of sheer willpower. This grounded self-control in partnership with God.
  • Romans 12:1 — Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice. Fasting was framed as an embodied way to surrender, not just a mental intention.

1. How to find self-control by naming what is ruling you

The teaching began with a story many of us recognize in different forms: a talented, successful person who still becomes a slave to an appetite. The point wasn’t to single out one kind of addiction, but to name a reality: appetites are powerful. They can be good servants, but terrible masters.

So the first step in how to find self-control is gentle honesty. What appetite do you struggle to say no to? Food, alcohol, substances, sex, shopping, screens, drama, approval, control, comfort, being right—what tends to pull you off-center? The goal isn’t shame. The goal is clarity, because you can’t regain the driver’s seat if you won’t look at what keeps grabbing the wheel.

2. How to find self-control by understanding your appetites

A key part of the message was that appetites live at different layers of our being.

Some appetites are bodily and loud: hunger, thirst, sleep, pleasure. Others are mental and emotional: approval, admiration, control, winning, comfort. But beneath those is something deeper: the appetite of the spirit, the heart, the will—the place of ultimate desire.

When that deepest desire is for God, the rest of life finds its order. But when something else takes that place—when a good thing becomes the ultimate thing—everything starts to bend around it. That’s when life feels chaotic, compulsive, and out of control.

This is why how to find self-control is not just behavior management. It’s spiritual formation. It’s learning to reorder desire so that God is at the center again.

3. How to find self-control through fasting as training

If self-control is a muscle, it makes sense that it grows through practice. You don’t get stronger by wishing you were strong. You get stronger by training.

That’s why fasting mattered so much in this teaching. Before Jesus began his public ministry, he fasted in the wilderness. He didn’t fast because food is bad. He fasted because he was preparing to face temptation without being ruled by it.

How to find self-control starts with naming what keeps grabbing the wheel and choosing training over shame.

Fasting is the choice to say no to a basic appetite for a time, so you can say yes to God more clearly. And because food is concrete and immediate, practicing restraint there can strengthen your ability to practice restraint elsewhere. Over time, fasting forms you into someone who can pause, choose, and respond—rather than react and spiral.

That’s a hopeful vision of how to find self-control: not instant transformation, but real formation.

4. How to find self-control by seeking, repenting, and surrendering

The sermon showed three biblical reasons people fast that connect directly to self-control.

First, we fast to seek God. Fasting reduces the mental noise that constantly demands attention and creates space to listen. And when you actually hear from God, obedience becomes less like white-knuckling and more like walking with guidance.

Fasting is not about proving strength to God; it’s about making space for God to form strength in you.

Second, we fast to repent. In quiet and discomfort, patterns rise to the surface. We see what we’ve excused, minimized, or ignored. Fasting doesn’t earn forgiveness—Jesus already secured that. But fasting can help us take repentance seriously, and repentance breaks the grip of sin.

Third, we fast to surrender. Here’s the paradox the sermon named: controlling yourself is not something you can do alone. True self-control grows when you yield ultimate control to God. Galatians 5 calls self-control fruit of the Spirit. That means it’s produced through relationship and partnership, not performance.

Practicing This Week

  1. Choose one simple fast during Lent: skip one meal per week between now and Easter.
  2. During that meal time, do something relational with God: pray, read Scripture slowly, take a quiet walk, or sit in silence.
  3. When hunger hits, use it as a prompt prayer: God, I want you more than I want comfort right now.
  4. Add one act of repentance: write down one specific thing to confess before you break your fast, then bring it to God with honesty.
  5. Keep it small, consistent, and private. This is training, not proving.

Questions for Reflection

  1. Where in your life do you most feel the struggle of how to find self-control right now?
  2. Which appetite feels loudest for you lately—comfort, approval, control, distraction, food, something else?
  3. What might it look like to make space to seek God in the middle of a busy week?
  4. Is there a pattern you sense God inviting you to repent from, not with shame but with hope?
  5. What would surrender look like in one specific decision you’re facing right now?

If you hear the invitation to fasting and feel intimidated, start where you are. God is not impressed by heroic hunger; God is forming willing hearts. The good news is that you were created for freedom, and Jesus is not only your Savior—he is also your teacher. As you practice how to find self-control, you are not doing it alone. The Spirit is at work, growing something real in you, one small, faithful step at a time.

How Christians live by the Holy Spirit and experience freedom

Freedom Over Rules: Living by the Spirit

Written by Kay Stonecypher on . Posted in Resources, Sermon Highlights. No Comments on Freedom Over Rules: Living by the Spirit

To live by the Holy Spirit is not about following more rules—it’s about freedom shaped by grace. This week at The Journey, we explored Galatians 5 and how Jesus invites us to release rule-based faith and learn a Spirit-led way of living.

This Week’s Sermon: What Are the Rules of Life?

Key Takeaways

  • We all create “fence rules” to feel safe or right—but they can replace grace with judgment.
  • Paul warns that trying to be “justified” by rules leads to a new kind of slavery and an “us vs. them” posture.
  • Christian freedom isn’t “do whatever you want”—it’s learning to live led by the Holy Spirit.
  • The real contrast isn’t “my rules vs. your rules,” but flesh vs. Spirit—self-centered living vs. Spirit-shaped character.
  • The goal is visible fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—“against such things there is no law.”

Sermon Highlights: The Rules We Live By

Most of us are rule-followers… even if we don’t think we are. Put us in a new job, a new relationship, a new community—even a new hobby—and we start asking: What are the rules here? What’s expected? What’s allowed? What counts as “doing it right”?

And the tricky part is: the same rule can mean totally different things to different people. “I’ll see you at 7:00” can mean “arrive at 6:45,” “arrive at 7:00,” or “7:20 is basically the same thing.” We all live with unspoken rules—and we often assume our version is the correct one.

This week at The Journey in Westminster, we started a new series by talking about rules, grace, and the freedom Jesus offers. Because when it comes to faith, the stakes feel higher—and the confusion can get louder: What does it mean to live like a Christian? Which rules matter most? And what do we do when people disagree?

The Big Idea of This Week’s Teaching

The heart of the message was simple and freeing: Jesus didn’t set us free so we’d just find a new set of rules to obsess over. Jesus set us free for freedom—so we can live by grace, led by the Holy Spirit.

Rules can be good. Standards can be good. The problem is what happens when rules become our identity, our measuring stick, and our way of judging ourselves—and everyone else. That’s when “faith” can quietly shift into something else: fear, self-righteousness, and “us vs. them.”

Paul’s invitation in Galatians 5 is not to throw out morality, but to stop being enslaved by rule-keeping as the way we prove we’re okay. Instead, we learn to walk with God’s Spirit—so our lives become shaped from the inside out.

Key Scriptures

  • Exodus 20 (The Ten Commandments) — The pastor pointed out that the commandments are good “codes of community,” but people often add “fence rules” around them that become the real rule—and a new basis for judgment.
  • Galatians 5:1 — “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” This anchored the message: grace frees us from being yoked to rule-based righteousness.
  • Galatians 5:4–6 (themes in the passage) — Paul warns that trying to be “justified by the law” alienates us from Christ and moves us away from grace—not because God stops loving us, but because we lose our way.
  • Galatians 5:13–18 — Freedom isn’t permission to indulge selfishness; it’s an invitation to be led by the Spirit rather than controlled by the flesh.
  • Galatians 5:19–23 — The contrast between the works of the flesh and the fruit of the Spirit shows what life looks like when we’re driven by self vs. shaped by God.

1. The “Fence Rule” Problem: When Extra Rules Replace the Point

One of the most relatable parts of the teaching was how easily we create rules around rules. Sometimes we do it because we want clarity. Sometimes we do it because we want control. Sometimes we do it because we’re anxious—and extra rules help us feel safe.

The pastor gave a modern example: “Don’t drink and drive” is a good rule. But someone might add a fence rule: “Don’t drink if you might drive.” Then another fence rule: “Don’t drink at all.” Eventually the fences become the focus—and the original purpose gets lost.

This same thing happened historically around the Sabbath command. “Do no work” became “don’t carry objects,” which became “don’t lift anything heavier than a dried fig.” The point wasn’t rest anymore—it was rule management.

“Jesus didn’t set you free so you could obsess over the rules—He set you free for freedom.”

And here’s where it gets personal: we may not write our fence rules down, but we still live by them. We build expectations for ourselves—and for others—and then we silently grade people based on standards God never actually assigned us to police.

2. The Trap of “Being Right”: When Righteousness Turns into Self-Righteousness

Paul uses strong language in Galatians 5 because he’s naming a real danger: when we try to be “justified” by rules, we end up yoked to a new kind of slavery. We start believing, If I follow the right rules, I’m right. If you don’t, you’re wrong.

That’s where “us vs. them” takes root. We may call it theology, conviction, values, or “being biblical,” but the posture underneath can become self-righteousness: Look how right I am.

The pastor offered a humble and needed reminder: all of us are wrong about some things—even things we feel confident about. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to be learning. And it’s okay to let other people be learning too.

Paul’s warning isn’t meant to scare us into shame. It’s meant to wake us up: when rule-keeping becomes the center, we lose power and effectiveness. We stop living with grace. We can still look “religious,” but we become less like Jesus in the process.

3. Freedom Isn’t “Anything Goes”: It’s Spirit-Led Living

A big misconception Paul addresses is this: if we’re saved by grace, does that mean we can do whatever we want?

Paul’s answer is no—not because God wants to control us, but because selfish living always leads to breakdown. It fractures relationships. It feeds addiction. It fuels resentment. It creates conflict. It leaves us restless and unhappy.

So Paul reframes the entire battle. It’s not “my rules vs. your rules.” It’s flesh vs. Spirit. Not “me vs. them,” but what’s happening inside me: am I being led by God, or led by my impulses, ego, and appetites?

And the pastor took time to explain the Holy Spirit in a simple way: God is not far away. In Jesus, God came near—“Emmanuel, God with us.” And through the Holy Spirit, God is not only with us, but in us. If you’re a follower of Christ, you’re never navigating life alone. You can ask for wisdom. You can ask for help. You can ask God to reshape your character from the inside.

4. What It Means to Live by the Holy Spirit

Paul’s list of the “acts of the flesh” is long—and honestly, it’s sobering. But the pastor pointed out something important: Paul isn’t just handing us a new rule list. These lists vary from letter to letter because they’re diagnostic, not performative. They reveal what kind of life we’re living.

Then comes the hopeful contrast: the fruit of the Spirit.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

“When the Spirit shapes your life, the fruit becomes obvious—and against such things there is no law.”

This is what grace produces when it’s actually shaping us. Not perfection, but transformation. Not an “image,” but fruit—visible, tangible, recognizable.

And Paul ends with a stunning line: “Against such things there is no law.”
In other words, when the Spirit is forming your life, you don’t need a fence. You don’t need to build an “us vs. them” identity. You’re not trying to prove you’re right—you’re learning how to live like Jesus.

Practicing This Week: Walking with the Holy Spirit in Everyday Life

Here are a few ways to respond this week, rooted in what the pastor invited us to do:

  1. Ask for freedom in prayer.
    Take a few quiet minutes and pray honestly: “Holy Spirit, where do I need freedom right now?”
  2. Notice your “fence rules.”
    Where have extra rules become your measuring stick—either for yourself or for others? Ask: Is this leading me toward grace… or toward judgment?
  3. Pick one fruit of the spirit to practice on purpose.
    Choose one: patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, etc. Ask God for help, then look for one real-life moment to practice it.
  4. Trade “us vs. them” thoughts for a Spirit-check.
    When you feel judgment rising, pause and ask: What would it look like to respond with grace? What might the Spirit be forming in me right now?
  5. Make one “kindness in action” move.
    Send the text. Offer the help. Give the encouragement. Do something concrete that looks like love.

Questions for Reflection

  1. Where in your life do you feel most tempted to turn faith into rules—either for yourself or for other people?
  2. What “fence rules” have you absorbed over the years that may not actually be the heart of Jesus?
  3. When you feel the pull of “us vs. them,” what’s usually underneath it—fear, insecurity, anger, past hurt?
  4. Which fruit of the Spirit do you most want others to experience when they’re around you right now? Why?
  5. What is one area where you want to ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and change this week?

When we live by the Holy Spirit, our lives slowly shift from rule-keeping to grace-filled freedom, and the fruit becomes visible over time. The hope of this message isn’t that we’ll finally follow the rules perfectly. The hope is Jesus—who meets us with grace, even when we’re confused, stuck, or wrong. And as we learn to walk with the Holy Spirit, we don’t have to carry the burden of proving we’re “right.” We get to live free—together—growing into a life that looks more and more like love.